Written by Horng Yuan | Photo by Mihai Surdu on Unsplash
Have you ever become defensive when someone give feedback about you?
It is not surprising if your answer is a “yes”. Most feedback are actually not helpful.
Good Feedback Versus Poor Feedback
Good feedback are positive ones; some qualities of good feedback include being specific, immediate, tied to the goals you want to achieve, expressed in the right language, and actionable.
Poor feedback are those that are least useful; their characteristics include being inaccurate, biased due to favouritism or politics, excessively critical and insensitive, not specific and not actionable, and made up of orders and ultimatums.
Michael Bungay Stanier in his book The Advice Trap notes that most of the advice that people give, which is a form of feedback, is worthless because the advice givers do not understand the real issue or problem. As a result, the advice given is only mediocre. Advice giving can be bad for the giver, receiver, team, and organisation. Hence it is wise to first listen before jumping in immediately to advise.
Many become defensive because they want to protect their feelings. However, by cutting themselves off, they are also rejecting and missing out useful feedback that can benefit them in learning and personal growth.
The good news is that defensive mechanisms are actually learned behaviour that you can train yourself to overcome. You can be less defensive and learn to take in and act on feedback.
Keep the following points in mind; they will be helpful to you the next time you feel like reacting negatively during feedback time.
Understand and Work On Your Defense Triggers
1. Assess your past
You may feel you are being unfairly treated and judged when others give you feedback. This can bring up unresolved issues such as conflicts or traumas from the past. When this happen, ask yourself if you are actually responding to the present situation, or you are caught up with your past and beginning to justify yourself. Quoting from Paul Scanlon, “Explaining, justifying and defending yourself is emotional quicksand. The more you try the deeper you get sucked in”. Unresolved conflicts and traumas will cause major problems to your health and in your workplace.
2. Reframe and resolve conflicts
There are advantages in resolving disagreements, conflicts, and grievances by bringing them into the open with the right people. This will prevent them from festering into something worse. You need to make effort and be intentional in finding solutions through collaboration; this will result in reconciliation, improved relationships, and deeper connections.
3. Consider the source
You may take feedback well from certain individuals but not someone you do not get along with or a stranger. But those other than your closed ones, such as your adversaries, competitors, and strangers, can also provide valuable information, new perspectives, and fresh insights to you. They may even bring up matters your trusted friends and peers tiptoe around. So, hearing them out may not be a bad idea after all.
4. Keep feedback private
It is normal if you to feel uncomfortable being lectured or advised in front of an audience, especially when you value privacy. In fact, not many would want their shortcomings or weaknesses be exposed to others. Make known that you appreciate a one-on-one conversation. One-on-ones are important; for example a study by Fuller and Shikaloff showed that employees who received twice the number of one-on-one time with their manager relative to their peers who received little to no one-on-one time were 67% less likely to be disengaged.
5. Shift and renew your mindset
Develop a positive mindset about feedback. Learn to view comments, critiques, criticisms, and advice as an opportunity to improve and grow. Getting a negative feedback does not necessarily mean you have failed miserably in the things you do; it could simply mean there is room for improvement. Shift to a positive mindset and it will help you feel empowered rather than belittled or threatened.
6. Affirm and uphold your value
Your self-worth is more than what others have to say about you. You are not and should not be defined by their words and opinions. Instead, your behaviours and performance should be guided by your values (check out the post on self-awareness and values here). Strengthen your self-esteem. Remembering your past success and achievements can give you the confidence and courage you need to receive feedback and improve in a few more areas.
Improve Your Communication Skills
The following tips can help you communicate better and effectively when receiving feedback.
1. Pause and slow down
Taking a deep breath helps. It gives you time to calm down and hear properly what is being said instead of automatically lashing out or shutting down. Pausing and slowing down allow you time to think, evaluate, and decide on how to respond.
2. Face and manage your feelings
Navigating a sensitive conversation requires you to manage your emotions. It can be hard for you to look at yourself honestly and objectively and face your feelings. But the truth is that your emotions are easier to deal with when you acknowledge that you are stressed, overwhelmed, or uncomfortable.
3. Monitor and listen to your body
Your body will show symptoms if being defensive has become a habit. For instance, you may find your pulse starts racing, your body feels hot, or your jaw is clenched. Watch out for these symptoms and take appropriate action before it is too late.
4. Prevent retaliation and argument
It is very likely that your first impulse will lead you to striking back at others by pointing out their flaws. You resort to being offensive in order to defend yourself. This is not helpful at all; it will probably lead to a heated argument or quarrel. Resist the temptation to retaliate, and you are more likely to have a meaningful and fruitful conversation.
5. Offer respect and validation
Effective communication involves letting others know that their point of view and opinions are heard and respected. You can paraphrase to confirm what you have heard and understood; this will project and show you are really listening and are sincerely seeking collaboration and finding solutions.
6. Look for facts and truth
Feedback can be far from the truth and delivered carelessly without any good intention, hence worthless. However, there may still be valid pointers and insights in between the lines. Think over what has been said, seek clarification, and ask someone you trust to help you sort things out. Dismissing the feedback entirely may not be a brilliant idea.
7. Suggest options
You can propose alternatives instead of acting upon the feedback you receive. This implies that you have considered what has been said, and that you are willing to work and sort things out in some other ways. This may eventually lead to better discussion and solutions.
Conclusion
Constructive feedback builds you up and helps you enjoy more success and satisfaction in life. Do not be afraid of comments and criticisms. Being open to them will strengthen you, your relationships, and point you to the path of greater success in life.
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